I am a cheater. 

I daresay, it is highly likely that you are too.  In fact, I would go so far as to say that if you are a male, cheating is in your DNA.  There's no getting around it.  The only questions left are how you define it, where your line is drawn and how it has shifted over your lifetime.  Before you start getting all defensive, let me explain.

This is a subject I've been wanting to write about for some time.  With the Tiger Woods escapades so visibly making the news now, it seemed like a timely subject.  It illustrates some of the facets surrounding cheating that I want to discuss.

Society shapes and influences men in diametrically opposed ways.  On the one hand, we are taught from an early age that the ultimate goal is to find one loving lifelong exclusive partner. On the other hand, media and society sensationalize and glorify female beauty, including the pursuit and conquering of that ideal female, in all her many forms. It creates troubling mixed messages where we are only to love and appreciate one woman, and yet all women of a certain defined beauty are to be admired and sought after.  You can accomplish one or the other, but not both.

I think where society goes wrong in its approach and attitude to cheating is understanding the nature of the beast.  That beast is you and me - men.  We are complex animals.  We have brains and brawn, emotions and hormones to deal with on a daily basis.  Our genetic desires to procreate go back as far as we do.  Testosterone flows through our body.  Our biological instinct instructs us to spread our seed far and wide.  Add in a toxic soup of lustful hormones like endorphins, oxytocin, dopamine, and various influential pheromones and it's a wonder we can have any control over our behavior around women.

The first step in the process is to understand and accept who we are.  Whether you are an adolescent boy or a geriatric senior, the desire to appreciate or be appreciated by women will always be there.  The question as it relates to cheating is can one woman be everything for a man.  The simple answer is yes, but the more complete evidential answer is rarely, long term.

In theory, the long term union of a man and woman is wonderful, but in practice we see how challenging that can be (e.g. high divorce rate, high infidelity rates).  It isn't easy to find your ultimate partner, if there even is one.  What seems completely fulfilling today, can be found lacking tomorrow.   In theory, one partner can fulfill all our wants and needs, but in practice it is awfully hard to sustain during the twists and turns of our lives.  Add in the dynamic that from afar, the grass always seems greener in the next lawn. Those couples who succeed best have a combination of having a tremendous reverence for the marriage institution, a strong capacity for self denial, or preferably they find a common vision of the future filled with lots of compromise and mutual respect. Once we accept that it isn't easy to have a long term blissful exclusive union, where do we go next?

I feel it is out of our inability to reconcile society's or our partner's ideals with our own selfish and biological needs, that we turn to cheating.  Our own insecurities and shame adds tremendous fuel to the equation.  We turn to lying, deception, fraud and trickery to cover our trail because we want our cake and to eat it too.

Our needs in the moment cloud our long term vision.  Our lustful desires wage war on our more noble desires.  It is a battle that is waged every day of our lives.  It is a battle waged on many fronts.  There is the obvious cheating that involves physically being intimate with someone who isn't your partner, but that is only the most egregious form of cheating.  The more pernicious types involve fantasy, lust, flirting, porn etc.  They can occur in person or virtually. They are almost impossible to root out of your life and thoughts.  I would argue that even monks at any abbey would speak to the same struggle.  If there is no escaping our fate, how best do we deal with it?

Applying my thoughts to the Tiger Woods case, the first step I would suggest is not playing the role of the high and mighty.  We are all capable of infidelity.  No one is above the other.  We are all sinners in that sense.  To look down or castigate someone for struggling is counter productive.  It is not to say we should look the other way, or accept it, but rather to say that trying to understand their situation is more helpful than trying to demonize it.

Tiger Woods is the first billionaire sports athlete and probably the most famous sports person on the planet.  Every time he play or moves in public, he is mobbed.  That can be difficult for someone who prefers to be private.  As someone who benefits so richly from the public adoration of his skills, he is certainly deserving of scrutiny.  One can be critical of his handling of the situation.  One can be critical of his lack of honesty and transparency.  One can be critical of the desire to manipulate the media for his aims.  But I would suggest that's where our condemnation should end.

I don't know the dynamics of Tiger's marriage, but I know my own.  I can sympathize with his desire to seek re-affirmation from outside sources.  Even our perfect partner can't be there for us 24/7.  They can't always fill the deep well of need we each have. I can sympathize with his desire to carve out something titillating.  Our complex lives take so much work, effort and struggle that we can seek a private guilty pleasure.  We rationalize that we deserve it.  We rationalize that it's harmless.  We rationalize that our efforts to lie, deceive or trick are justified to spare others.

While I have never slept with another woman since I've been married, I am no better or worse of a man than Tiger.  To me, you can't just draw a line on cheating that easily.  I can't absolve myself of guilt. I am aware of my thoughts, desires and actions.

The internal and external conversation must be constantly in motion.  What is acceptable behavior and thought?  What is reasonable behavior and thought? How do you balance your personal needs versus your partner's? Where do you find compromise between opposing positions? Those lines also shift with age and circumstance. No two relationships are the same.  Each couple may create their own rules and understandings.  Those rules and understandings may change over time.  It is not for me to judge the next man's relationship.  Tiger Woods will need to determine his own fate.  While I didn't respect his handling of the situation in the public, I respect his process.  I respect his struggle. 

So what am I left with?

I am man. I am complex. The world I live in is even more complex. I am guilty. I can only ask for understanding and forgiveness. Hear me roar!