There is a reason we all enjoy reading a good rant or listening to a sharp witted comic.  We take pleasure in hearing someone else let loose, revealing their intense thoughts and criticisms on the world around them.  They are often venting or riffing on subjects that we also find disturbing.  It is a guilty pleasure; one that we don't often allow ourselves.  We are naturally conditioned to withhold our more extreme thoughts and actions.  We have learned, as adults, that muzzling our more severe perspectives is beneficial for our survival and success. Being too 'prickly' will create more trouble than it's worth, so we mute or try to control those parts of ourselves.

What this dynamic seems to create, though, is a state that I would call subdued sublime rage.  Your primal thoughts and feelings are involuntary, but the battle for your resulting words and actions is constantly waged within you.  It creates this tension that is never resolved, except by decisive action which can introduce more strife. 

Let's look at this dynamic further. By the time you are considered an adult, you have experienced enough to know that life is complex, full of conflict and often unjust.  You have enough education to know that there are numerous ways to escape and many possible belief systems.  You must navigate your life between these parameters to carve out your sanity in the balance.    Anyone significant you interact with must be factored into your equation.  You are constantly weighing many layers of considerations before taking any action.  A major defining feature of your adulthood is having to do things you don't particularly enjoy.

As usual, I'll use myself as an example.  Friday, I had my bookkeeper here at the house for over 7 hours.  She sat at my desk going over the last year's records for both Poker Curious and my old gallery.  She has worked for me for 10 years.  She's a sweet kind lady.  But these days are torture for me.  They dredge up the past and unpleasant aspects of business that I don't like to focus on.  As she's not here most of the year, she asks a million questions about the minutiae of every aspect of the business.  I am having to explain the non traditional online poker world to her. I am repeatedly reminded about the aspects of modern business that I detest; taxation, insurance, lawyers, government regulations and overall bureaucracy.   Everything has to be balanced, reconciled, and reports printed out.  I go through more paper and ink during her visits than the rest of the year combined.  She is paid hourly, so I feel the clock ticking the entire time. 

The entire day is a necessary evil, but one that I would love to reject entirely if I had my way.  Externally, I smile, answer questions, dig through files and bear it as best possible.  Internally I roil and rage.  Why do I put myself through this?  I prefer to keep my life simple, but complexity and complications are thrust upon me.  I prefer to keep my life sane, but injustice and insane bureaucracy greet me instead. While I can rationalize and contextualize myself through most of life's situations, it definitely foments something I can only abstractly describe as subdued sublime rage.  Maybe someday I'll be able to put it better in words.